Lord, "We Believe", help us in our "Unbelief!"

I told you this was coming, but it has taken alot to try and figure out how to put it into words.  We have had another change in our lives over the past 11 months, and No!! I am not pregnant! :) Ha!
Not another move either, since we moved to Ponca, but some changes have indeed occurred. 
I will expound below.

Very soon after we relocated our entire family, away from all that we had known and loved for the past 10 years, and moved to Northern Oklahoma, we quickly began to realize, not everything was as it appeared to us when we decided to make this monumental decision.  Without going into too many details, we discovered that the clinic that owned the practice Ray was working for seemed to be having some internal issues, which had started prior to Ray's employment, and many of the promises made to get us here seemed to go away once he arrived.  It literally began to unravel on DAY 2 of his new job. It wasn't only Ray feeling the effects of this, many other providers who worked for this group of clinics were beginning to feel frustrated with failed promises as well, which made the problem even more threatening.  

To say this was a gut punch is an understatement!  Ray was totally taken off guard, rocked to the core, and was questioning every decision he had made to get us here, and wondering if he had every really heard from the Lord in the first place.  I was questioning too, but trying to encourage him, yet inwardly confused, angry with God, and wondering what in the world?! Had we not believed God had lead us here?!  Lord help us in our unbelief! 

I knew we had prayed, sought counsel, and seen so many signs pointing us to move to Ponca City.  It was obvious, to us and all those around us, those that know and love us, and didn't want us to move, but could not argue with what the Lord was obviously pointing us to do, and opening the doors to do it!! 

We did still have the Christian partner, which was a bright spot, on a very otherwise grim outlook of the situation Ray was in with the employer.  The next few months, Ray continued to put one foot in front of the other, so exhausted, because the call schedule, which was supposed to be better, had been reduced to 3 docs and they were up most nights when they were on call.  Being the sole provider for our family of 7, he knew he had to keep working, but long term, he was looking for other options, and wondering what the Lord was trying to communicate to him through all of this.
  
My days were spent wrestling with God.  Honestly I was mad!! We had moved up here for a better work situation for my husband, forsaking all that we loved, and this is what happens?! The work situation changed as soon as we got here, and now we are considering another move?! I was so sad, discouraged, frustrated with God, there were days I just cried, screamed, prayed, pouted, then would busy myself with the chores of the home, because everybody kept wearing clothes and getting hungry and somebody had to wash and cook!!  I was also trying to unpack boxes, but wondered if I should just tape them back up until I knew what we were doing.  I really went through a time of feeling forsaken, like God had just picked us up, and dropped us in Northern Oklahoma and left us there to try and figure it out on our own.  Ray was reeling too, and when Jesse broke his wrist the first week of football, I was about ready to throw in the towel on the whole thing, believing God and all!!

We survived until Christmas, which was a different kind than we normally have, since Ray was working the whole time and we had no family that could come up for Christmas Eve and Day.  We had to make the best of it, and some good memories were made, but there was an unrest heading into 2014.  Ray knew things couldn't stay the way they were, and we were praying and wondering what was going to happen next. Honestly, I was scared.

Coming into the Spring, in the 6 months that Ray had worked for his employer, 3 docs had left, and another was already planning on leaving in the summer, each being frustrated with the situation they had found themselves in, with the employer.  The Christian partner was still hanging in there, but after unforeseen circumstances with the employer, he too finally decided that he was going to be leaving at the end of the year to explore more closely the option of medical missions, and would not be returning to deliver any more babies, but would only being doing GYN work.  This was the straw that broke the camels back.  If this were to happen, then all the reasons that brought us to this job would be gone.  We were grateful that he told Ray this ahead of it happening, to allow Ray to make plans, but we felt like we had just fallen off a cliff and were free falling, not knowing where we were going to land, or if we would just splat on the pavement!

I had started doing a Bible study by myself a month before this all came down...."Believing God." Little did I know that God was preparing me with scripture and stories from His Word with so many examples of others walking through trials and "Believing God."  He had been so gracious with me, loving me through my temper tantrums, pity parties, pulling away from Him, not really wanting to have anything to do with Him, then feeling Him slowly but surely wooing me back to Him through His constant love and acceptance of me, just the mess I was.  He saw me in my house way up in the middle of nowhere in Northern Oklahoma..... He saw me, in that den, crying out to Him on behalf of my husband and children, questioning Him over and over.

He saw me, and He didn't move.  He loved me right there, in my mess of a mess I was in.

As I slowly began to open back up to Him through His word, I was excited to "believe God" for my husband and children, that He had a good plan. I mean, what else am I gonna do?! Stay depressed or decide to trust Him in the midst of it all.  I was believing that God would work a miracle with this work situation, that it would get better, that it would all make sense why we moved here, that the job would work out, and we would say, "This is why God moved us here, isn't this awesome!!" And we would get to understand and enjoy this new town and new adventure God had brought us on. 

Seriously, I know we are promised trials in this world, but I thought we had gone through enough of them in Cleburne those last couple of years, and now things were going to be smooth sailing (for the most part) and we were going to reap the benefits of following Him in obedience by moving up here in the first place!!

Well, God did answer my prayer, but not in the way I had thought.  Instead of things becoming better in the Ponca job, they literally crumbled away.  After our partner told us his plans and what he felt the Lord was leading him to do, we prayed, and scrambled, made phone calls, and seemed to be leaning toward moving back to Cleburne.  We thought this would be a welcomed announcement to our children, so in the next few days, late Spring, Ray resigned from his job, we made the announcment to our children, and began to make plans to move back right after school was out.
To our surprise, Jesse was devastated.  The teen girls also were upset as they had made friends quickly up here, and God had blessed them with great school situations.

We were confused.  What do we do?  We had so much to move back to Cleburne for: family, friends, church, and a possible job similar, yet with better call, than what Ray had there before we left.
Our kids had friends too, and a great church.  We were torn though, and after a conversation Ray had with Jesse, as they discussed moving back vs. staying here, Jesse had shared that even though it sounded crazy, his best friends were still back in Texas, and a football program that had gone to the playoffs the year before he left, he still felt like he wanted to stay here and finish what he had started and invested in these guys on the football team.  He believed in these guys, these coaches, and even though they were 0-10 this past season, he believed they could win this year and wanted to see it through, win or lose.
  
Ray began looking at options to keep us here another year, but there was nothing that seemed to be turning up on the radar that wasn't going to take him away from us for long periods of time.  Jesse said he would rather have the family together, no matter what that meant, even if it meant moving, but Ray was not ready to give up just yet.  In the meantime, Ray had traveled down to Cleburne and left feeling that God might be closing the door for now on that return.  Wow, we just felt so confused and fearful as we did not have a clue what the future held for us.

In the process of job searching, Ray contacted a group of docs in Stillwater, 45 miles south of us.  2 of the guys Ray talked to were believers, and were very encouraging to Ray and wanted to stay in touch, but said there were no openings at the time for another OB/GYN in Stillwater.
  
I wanted Ray to close that door and move on, but Ray tucked it in his back pocket, still considering that the door was not totally closed in his mind.
  
Another month went by, and we were thinking we were going to have to move somewhere, since, other than Stillwater, there was not a close enough hospital he could commute to without being gone for a week at a time.  He thought he would call the guys back in Stillwater one last time just to check in with them, and they said their situation had changed, and they would like for us to come down for dinner and talk.  Amazingly, about 2 weeks later we had a verbal job offer, and a contract in hand 2 weeks after that.  Praise the Lord!!

We were very thankful, though this time around, we were not so excited with all the promises, good call schedule, etc.  Honestly we felt a little burned and were gun shy, but we were grateful for a job, something to pay the bills and put food on the table, and allow us to stay here and let Jesse finish his senior year in Ponca.

In the Believing God Bible study I had been doing, she had us reading Romans 4 over and over, about Abraham being justified by faith, not circumcision, and the part I had been clinging to was vs. 17, when God spoke things into existence that did not exist as if they already did.  As we looked for work for Ray to keep us here, it seemed there was nothing, no jobs close enough to stay here, and I was praying for God to speak into existence a job that did not exist.  I "believe" He did just that, with a job that was not there only a month earlier, and now, that is where Ray is working!!

He "leads us beside the Stillwater" has become my prayer now, He "restores our soul." (Psalm 23)  Praying this for Ray, that this will be a time of restoration and encouragement for my husband, as he went through such a difficult time after moving us here to Ponca, and began questioning all that he had done and everything falling apart around him.
  
Well, as the job was materializing, Ray came out of his quiet time one morning and said, "J, if Jesse is gonna "believe" in these guys, then so are we!! Make some shirts! I believe God wants us to Believe!"

I had never ordered shirts before, but sat down and made and ordered about 20 shirts that said,

"We Believe" "We invite you to believe too, Miracle on 7th Street" (where our football stadium is). 

We talked a few people into getting them, and gave a few out to key people we wanted to encourage to "believe" too.  I decided to make some yard signs too, and we started spreading the word.  We wanted this town to "believe" in these boys and get on board.  
We were very impressed that these guys, even though they had only won 1 game in the last 2 years, and the last year were 0-10, they all had kept coming back each week, daily to the gridiron, and never quit.  We were impressed with the character, and the desire to keep at it.
  
After we moved here, we discovered that the entire town seemed to still be mourning a loss from several years before.  Conoco had moved many, many families out of town to Houston, it was a mass exodus, that had left a huge hole in churches, businesses, schools, and our athletic programs.  With that move, we sensed a loss of hope, it seemed people in the town, though they still loved this place, felt like they had all received a sucker punch, and were still trying to gasp for air, not fully recovered.  There was apathy toward the football program, which seemed to communicate to the boys, "we appreciate all you do, but we don't believe that you can compete and definitely not win."  The home games were sparse in the stands, and people were ok with losing, they really always went back to the big "Conoco move" when talking about how the team was performing or NOT performing.
  
Well, we felt the Lord had given us a mission, and it was to "Believe" in these boys, to "believe" in our son, and to "believe" that God did have a purpose for bringing us up here to Ponca City.

After that initial kickoff of the "We Believe" campaign,  we began to see signs popping up all over town, and requests were coming in daily for shirts, the fire had been lit, and boy was it spreading!  Before I knew it, we had ordered almost 700 shirts, and had handed out over 250 signs and banners.  People were coming up with their own signs, and writing it on their marques and billboards.  The boys felt the support, and at our first game, which was away in Enid, we filled the stands with as many people as the home side had.  Though we lost that game by 1 point in the last 27 seconds of the game, the whole town knew something was different.

As much as I would like to say, we came back and won every game since, I cannot, but the support for our boys has been awesome.  As the weeks have gone by, with only one W, which was huge, the belief would stay strong, then struggle along, not wanting to give up, but finding it hard to keep believing at times.  

Well, in game 7, with only one victory, in the last 40 seconds of the game, Jesse was ejected for a call that was considered ridiculous by all who saw, coaches, even opposing coaches, radio announcer, and fans.  I didn't see it until film, but needless to say, I was in agreement,  it did seem a little crazy.  No matter what we thought, it still resulted in a 2 game suspension, which meant he misses Senior night, last home game, and only gets to come back for the last game of the year. That is just life!!

I prayed and questioned, "Oh Lord, he has worked so hard, been such a part of the spirit of believing in this team, and now is out until the last game of the season, and missed Senior night?!" 

This momma's heart was so sad for him.  We walked Senior night with him, then sat in the stands and watched our boys shut out the opposing team for victory #2 this season.  We were thrilled for them, but so sad for Jesse. "Lord, why couldn't he have been a part of this, why? Help me in my unbelief!" Psalm 84:11 says, "He withholds nothing good from those who walk uprightly" That is what God's word says.  Help me Believe this!

So Jesse has been running scout team, trying to continue to believe in something bigger than himself, knowing there will be no glory Friday night, no tackles or sacks racked up on his stats (and before this happened, he had been leading the team in tackles), no number called out over the loud speaker.  Believing this is all part of the grander picture and plan.

Praying God gets more glory, may we decrease, and He increase.

We will be believing till the end of the season, but you know we will be there with our cow bells ringing as Jesse will get to suit up one last time for that last game of his Senior year, Believing God and knowing His plans, ways, and purposes are so much greater, more powerful, and better than ours. Honestly, if I were writing the story, this isn't the way I would have had it go down.  But, God didn't consult me, He does have a better plan, and I know He is working something here, behind the scenes, that will one day blow us away.  So, we praise Him in the midst of this season and to the end, Believing.

JJ